Top 15 totally unexpected alternate endings for “Battlestar Galactica”March 26, 2009
Ah, the post-mortem phase of a TV series. Everybody (us included) is weighing-in these days on BSG’s finale, offering their woulda/shoulda/coulda speculations about alternatives to the ending viewers were given. And some are pretty creative. We decided to take it into the realm of the absurd. Here are some of our suggestions for ways the final episode could have ended that would really have surprised viewers:
15) Starbuck turns out to be an angel, Baltar and Six are angels – kind of. And Apollo’s an angel. And Rosalin and Adama are angels. Yeah, yeah. Everyone’s an angel. Isn’t that what your preschool teacher told you?
14) A group of Colonial settlers comes over a rise to find several dozen Earthlings crouched around a mysterious black monolith, thoughtfully swinging the animal bones they’ve just learned can help them get meat.
13) Galactica jumps into the vicinity of the black hole ready for a fight, only to find Cavil’s already fallen victim to the recession and a force more powerful than a legion of centurions – mortgage bankers – has put a “foreclosure/repossessed” sign on the Cylon colony’s front gate.
12) The Fleet finds Earth – not during the early days of mankind, but during the era of the dinosaurs, which are too many and too dangerous to permit colonization… that is until Baltar looks out a porthole, spots a passing asteroid and says “Do you know, I think I have an idea…”
11) Things look grim for the Colonials as their marine boarding party seems overwhelmed by enemy centurions, when suddenly, lawyers for Warner Brothers appear armed with lawsuits ordering NBC to shut the Cylon colony down for looking too much like a Shadow vessel from Babylon 5.
10) Rather than shooting himself in the head, Cavil escapes in the chaos, lands in Europe and engineers the Neanderthal race, thinking he’s created the perfect weapon to end humanity. Poor, poor Cavil. Never seems to work out, does it? Kinda like the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons, isn’t he?
9) Years after the Colonials have safely settled in to their new, technology-free life on Earth, a space freighter appears in orbit, Adric at the helm, piloting the vessel into the atmosphere in an attempt to save Doctor Who’s life, thereby killing 2/3 of all life on the planet.
8 ) Galactica’s scouts land on the newly-discovered Earth – on Hallowe’en Night! Their Cylon companions, seeking intelligence, kidnap legendary DJ Wolfman Jack, but run into problems at a party in the kitchen when the microwave oven is turned on. Wait a minute…
7) As Starbuck disappears from the African grasslands, the scene changes and Bob Newheart sits up in bed, turns to his wife and says “I’ve just had the strangest dream…”.
6 ) Six months after their arrival, the Colonial humans look up into the skies and see a Vogon Constructor Fleet parking in Earth orbit and preparing for work.
5) At long last, the Fleet arrives at Earth, finding a lush, unspoiled paradise. The Colonial refugees disembark and all of them promptly begin sneezing in an onslaught of hayfever. They pack up and leave, heading off into space to find a world that won’t aggrivate their allergies.
4) Ordered to pilot Galactica and the Fleet into the sun, Anders snaps out of his hybrid trance and fires off one last transmission to the landing craft on Earth, quoting Eric Cartman: “Screw you guys! I’m going home. Ah! Screw you guys – home.” before blasting off into deep space.
3) Athena and Boomer settle their personal scores, and the fate of humanity and the Cylons, by jumping into an inflatable pool for a hot oil wrestling match.
2) Bill & Ted, desperate for a good grade on their highschool final report, appear in their phone booth and drag Adama kicking and screaming from his prehistoric cabin to 20th Century San Demos, California.
1) Galatica’s boarding party squares off against the enemy centurions aboard the Cylon colony and a cream pie throwing fight ensues.
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s just gotta be some way outta here!